A Peaceful time to write and think

I'm so sorry my fellow friends who have been constantly checking my blog for an update but still no update. I've not been online for more than a month actually. Before that, my computer is still working fine, its just that i choose not to online as i do not want to waste my time going online for i know that each time i go online, my butt won't move from the chair for at least 2 hours. So i rather choose not to go online and try to study or get enough rest and also minimize my tv time, plus exam coming thats why.

Anyway, after the exam, i thought i can finally go online but it seems that my computer has been attacked by virus or something like that so my dad took it to the shop to be repaired. More than 5 days of waiting for the computer to be taken back from the shop and when its finally back, my sister and dad was ''competing'' to use the computer so i though just let them use and i'll be able to use it tomorrow. Well then, i did not know what went wrong, the next day, it seems that internet explorer cannot go into the web. It keep appearing ''cannot find server''. Ok so i thought maybe its the server problem but for the next few days i still couldn't go online. At first it did not affect me so much but as time goes by, especially during the holidays, where i dont' have much to do at home, i tried studying alone but wasn't that successful, i studied with a friend but it felt as though i achieved very little. My handphone was awfully quiet, i did message some friends but i felt myself acting desperate so i stop. I miss chatting on msn, i miss chatting with my friends and going ''wild'' with them. Somehow i needed attention. I guess i was lonely, i felt lonely, i was desperate for attention from my friends but i do not know how to start a conversation with them, and for some, i know they are going through some tough time, i just didn't know what to say just to start a conversation or to comfort them as i am not good at that.

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As i am sitting here thinking, i think we have to make a habit of saying ''i love you'' more. One of my friend did said this to me, which is true, people nowadays tend to not say i love you to each other anymore even to their parents, they only use i love you as an expression for their lover, couple etc. Why did i suddenly bring this up? Maybe its because i can't stand the fact where people take this 3 words as something only to be said to their special someone. When we say it to our normal friends, some would be so shocked and some will start teasing. Have you felt like saying the 3 words out just to your friend when there is nothing else to say but that but you're also afraid on how they would react? I do, plenty of times where i just felt like screaming it out, just felt like telling them i am here for you, i love you, you are not alone. I just feel like showing love for a brother and sister who is in need of, i am sure everyone longs to hear someone saying i love you to them because it just brings the warmth back to the heart. It does for me.

Having to realised that someone i hold close to my heart is going to move to another country, eventhough its down south, not that far from where we originally are but still its not the same as having him here with us, among us. This special someone whom i admire so much( your determination), whom had taught me so much since the day i knew him( your strenght to go on) and someone whom i looked up to( your passion, your fire for God). He's someone whom i have come to care for and learned to love dearly even though i never knew how to express my care most of the time, i would just feel for his cries and struggles. The fellowship, the laughters we shared, the fun we had together, it ( christmas musical, youth camp,..) will be something which i treasure and will not trade anything for it. I love you!!! and will miss you so so dearly.

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To many, I might not be an expressive person. To some, I am quiet, while to others I am noisy. I don't express myself well because i am afraid. Afraid of what you ask, well i guess i am afraid of alot of things. I am afraid of making mistakes, afraid of being humiliated, afraid of being looked down, afraid of failure. But that is something i must learn, i have to learn to not be afraid to learn. I have been told alot of times to not be afraid of making mistakes, as failure is the mother of sucess but it is not easy. I guess you can say i have a big ego.
One close friend said this to me : ''Carmille, you portray yourself from the outside as a strong, tough girl which i am sure can stand on your own 2 feet but inside, you're just a girl who wants to be loved but you are also cautious on who you allow to get close to you.'' Boom! ok that struck me from a different angle.

These few words after been told about it, it keep popping up in my head '' I should not be a loner'', '' Its ok to have friends''. I am quite a loner and quiet person actually. Most of my close friends don't believe that when i tell them because my close friends usually see me bubbly and always laughing. But did you noticed I usually join in other people conversations than starting one myself, otherwise i'll just listen to others talk. "Its ok to have friends" yes i have friends but do i allow them to get close to me? I treasure my friendship alot. I don't just tell someone about my problems, my struggles. for me, true friendship must be earned and it takes a long time to mold and bond to be a strong friendship but i don't believe that all strong friendship last forever. I can't believe i am saying this. I believe and i want a friendship which will last forever where we will always be in contact, keeping in track with each other's life but somehow it seems far and hard to achieve. I guess its because of the 'hurts' i've been through with some of my closest friends. Somehow as time goes by, we tend to move on and have our new 'sets' of best friends. That is when our old best friends are forgotten. I still treasure the time I had with my best friends, i enjoyed every moment of it. But when we do have the time to met up and talk or even through msn or sms, it just seems as though we're of 2 different world whereby once we used to be inseparable.

I just realised something, i have to admit that i don't recover from hurts fast, i take a long time to heal and the healing process stings. And i guess this is why i don't easily allow someone to get close to me, to avoid being hurt deeply again. I still do long for this love and trust upon someone. I do have my 2 close friends but i though we were closer last time compare to now. And it seems as though history is repeating itself. By the time we are all furthering our studies, we will end up loosing contact of each other, talking less to one another, sharing lesser with one another. Hah, I could guess someone would say,''this is why blog is created, to let us know what is going on in our life.'' Still, its not the same as talking face to face. But yeah there's still the time and place factor.....

Do i think of consequences too much? Maybe i do, which is why i am a loner, i am not proactive because i am afraid. Gosh, i really have to change.

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Wow! I can't believe its 6.40 am. Haha. I decided to stay up till morning because i want to enjoy the night peace being alone writing my entry without worrying about anyone disturbing. I can only write when my parents are asleep or they are not around because i like and i want my privacy. And it is also why i don't update my blog often. Because i take a long time writing one entry and everytime before i can finish an entry, i would be interrupted which can be quite annoying. And no, i did not start writing this entry since 12am. Yes i did mention i take a long time to write an entry but not that long. Anyway this entry took 2 and a half hours plus plus( yes go ahead, get shock on why i take so long writing such a short entry)......xD

Anyway, I just want to give a shout out of THANK YOU to Leon and Wen Cheang for helping to fix my computer. If it wasn't for them, i wouldn't be able to update my blog and i wouldn't have enjoyed our little conversation over msn with a whole lot of other people. Like i said before, i missed you guys and i love you all!!!